I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
— W. C. Fields
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I drink therefore I am.
Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.
