I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
— Woody Allen
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Tradition is the illusion of permanance.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
